Click here to read Shepherd Project’s discussion of A Walk in the Woods.
Bryson: Writers don’t retire. We either drink ourselves to death or blow our brains out.
Newsman: Oh, which will it will be for you?
Bryson: After this interview? Maybe both.
Catherine: Seriously Bill! This is ridiculous, even for you!
Bryson: What, because you think I’m too old?
Catherine: No. Because you are too old.
Catherine: You haven’t hiked in 30 years. Can’t you just take the Volvo?
Bryson: It’s my old pup tent. What do you think?
Catherine: I think it’s the perfect place for you to spend the night.
Son: 2,000 people try this every year. Only 10% make it.
Bryson: You should see the statistics of how many people actually finish a book!
Catherine: Talk? You mean I yammer on and you nod off and do it anyway?
Salesman showing Bryson a trowel: You know the saying, “Take only memories, leave no trace”? … [It’s for] poop.
Bryson: Ah! No s***!
Salesman: Exactly.
Voicemail: Next time, call me for something fun like a colonoscopy!
Bryson: How are you with bears?
Katz: Well, they haven’t gotten me yet!
Bryson: You know, there probably isn’t a bear within 1500 miles of Des Moines.
Katz: That’s what I’m saying! Those suckers keep their distance!
Catherine: Have you actually thought this through at all?
Bryson: Of course not!
Bryson: What kind of shape you in?
Katz: Good shape! I walk everywhere now. They took away my license!
Bryson: I don’t want to reach for metaphors…
Katz: No, reach, Bryson, reach!!!
Bryson: They say the Appalachian trail is like life…
Katz: What goes up, must come down. What the h*** happened to down???
Katz: How far you reckon we’ve gone?
Bryson: Oh, about ¼ mile.
Katz: Just kill me now. I don’t care how you do it, but please just kill me now!
Mary Ellen: Mary Ellen, who’s the only person who doesn’t mess up on the trail? ME!
Katz: I swear to God I’m going to rip out her larynx.
Bryson: I’m not sure that’s gonna work.
Bryson: We can [ditch] her, early in the morning.
Katz: H***, that’s probably better than my plan—kill her and take her pop tarts.
Hiker: What made you buy an XT85?
Bryson: Well, I thought it was easier than carrying everything in my arms.
Bryson (about some young hikers offering to help): Nice guys.
Katz: Yep.
Bryson: I hate ‘em!
Katz: Me too!
Bryson (about some young hikers offering to help later in the hike): Nice guys.
Katz: Yep.
Bryson: I love ‘em!
Katz: Me too!
Katz: Bryson, you’ve got everything in the world a man could want and here you are travelling the woods with me. What gives?
Katz: Bryson, are you happy?
Bryson: What kind of question is that?
Katz: Pretty important question, I’d say.
Katz: How’d you learn all this stuff? Bryson: There are these things called books…they’re like TV for smart people.
Katz: I’m going to buy you a TV.
Bryson: I’m curious and I love being curious. I love knowing about the world.
Katz: I’m above the details. I’m BIG picture.
Katz: She’s got a beautiful body! … Buried under 200 pounds of fat!
Bryson, about the bears: If they come for us, play dead.
Katz: If they come for us, we are dead!
Katz: There’s just this whole in my life where drinking used to be.
Katz: 30 days. I was afraid of doing 30 days in jail. Compared to this, it’s a … trip to the spa!
Bryson: You get to the point it’s all about ailments and medications and funerals…
Katz: How long does it take a body to decompose?
Bryson: You don’t have to worry. You’re so chock-full of preservatives you’ll be here forever!
Katz: You know, Bryson? You’re the only guy I’d risk my life with. I want you to know that.
Katz: I gotta be a looking at one million [stars].
Bryson: You know, the naked eye can see 2,000.
Katz: Well, then I gotta have great eyesight, because I’m looking at a million.
Bryson: We weren’t even close.
Katz: Are you kidding? We did it! As far as I’m concerned, we walked the Appalachian trail. We walked it in the heat, we walked it in the snow, and we walked it till our feet bled. We hiked the Appalachian trail!
Bryson: We never even saw Mt. Katahdin.
Katz: We saw plenty of mountains! How many mountains you gotta see?!